Wow. That was a much longer break than I anticipated. There were a couple of reasons for it. One was technical but the other was just because it has been much tougher than I thought it would be.
When any child goes off to live away from you, it is just so difficult. As a mom, I knew there were so many things I should have and wanted to teach him and with life going so stinking fast, I just never got to them all. I know he knows right from wrong. He's a hard worker. He's a good person. He knows how to take responsibility. He is smart and can figure out a new washing machine. Thanks to his high school and grade school teachers, he knows how to write a paper for college and how to study. And the college will clean the bathroom and cook for him. So really, he will be fine and my mind knows this.
But then there is the fact that he doesn't like change a whole lot. And new situations are stressful for him so I knew that actually making this move was going to be the most difficult thing he has ever done. And it should be the most difficult and stressful thing he has ever done. He's had stability and support. So moving from that should be hard and yet it should be done. That saying that you are only as happy as your most unhappy child is so true. Child happy = mom happy. Child stressed = mom stressed.
As a mom, a child leaving changes your role so very much. I'm not going to be there to see his face and know he's OK. I'm not going to be the one that he tells when football goes well or he has a big test or that he had the best sub or burrito for lunch. Our relationship changes and grows into a very different relationship. And that is a huge transition for someone whose everyday life remains the same except for yet another missing piece.
This particular transition would be difficult because life has not always been easy for this boy of mine. He has faced challenges and with each of those challenges, I have been at his side. When he was a baby, his asthma was so bad that I would get him from a nap and his hands and feet would be blue. We had to give him breathing treatments for over a year. My husband and I shared the job but I was the stay at home mom so I had all the daytime treatments and all the nighttime ones. When you schedule your life around holding your baby and making sure he can breathe, you bond in a different way. Then there was watching him being wheeled into an operating room two different times. This is the child that missed nearly entire year of school because he was horrifically sick. The testing for brain tumors and myriad of other diseases and conditions was awful. And since the company I was working for at the time (along with much of the country) went into a financial crisis, I was once again a stay at home mom that year so I was with him for each and every test and treatment each time not knowing if our life was going to be forever altered. Thankfully, God saw him through that year and for the most part he is past it. Just like his asthma, he has learned to manage and live with his symptoms although I know that there are some issues that could flare up at anytime, he is going to live the life he that he was meant to live. Through his sports injuries and minor flare ups of his health issues, I have been there. I have tried to make sure he recognizes symptoms and pays attention to them but he is an 18 year old boy, it makes me nervous to send him away and know the he is on his own. He's been through so much and it's a lot to manage. More than an 18 year old should have to think about while studying and playing football and just doing regular college things and that worries me.
And so it was hard to think about this and write about it. However, it's two months later, I have seen him several times and been able to look into his eyes and he is OK. He is happy and doing well. He is making friends, doing well in school and football. Life is good and I'm so thankful that both my college kids are doing great. Life is different but I'm adjusting to that and will write more on that next time.
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