Empty Nesting

"How's that empty nest?"  or "It's back to just the two of you again."  or any of a number of variations on that theme. Those are the comments we hear these days when we're out and we run into friends.  It's crazy how fast that parenting season of life went.  I saw a neighbor, whose son was a boyhood friend of my middle child, and chatted for a bit catching up on how everyone is doing.  We ended the conversation with her saying hard to believe that just like that 20 years are gone.  Yep.  It happens like that.  So fast.

But you know what?  Just like I wouldn't want to go back to middle school or high school or college, I wouldn't want to go back to parenting babies or toddlers or grade schoolers or high schoolers again.  I did love it but it was hard work.  There were hours and hours of driving, cooking, shopping, trying to divert a stubborn toddler's attention,  planning class parties, sitting in bleachers, anniversaries spent at 2 day swimming championships, birthdays spent at football games.  I wouldn't trade the experience but I wouldn't go back.  

How different it is volunteering for my parish when it doesn't involve a sports team or a class or anyone else in my family.  There's a new freedom that comes from only having to think of the two of us at dinner or in the grocery store.  I have some time now to spend on me and figuring out what this new chapter will hold for me.  I can spend time chatting with my husband or we can both just sit and read and drink a cup of tea.  I actually have time to think and I'm not so busy that I am just on autopilot getting through the day, week, month. 

It's fun spending time with these young adults that my children have become.  I smile when I get their texts.  Just as I always have, I am learning all sorts of things through them.  I get an inside look at their hopes and dreams and hurts and disappointments.  I love talking on the phone about everything and nothing.  I'm aware that often I am a study break and it probably feels less indulgent to call your mom than watch Netflicks.  But I'll take it, enjoy it, and treasure this new stage of life for us.  

And while I am enjoying the peace and quiet and some well earned "me time",  I'm thankful that they still want our input even if they don't always heed our advice.  And I am very thankful and probably happiest when every couple of months I have my busy, loud, food vanishing house back.  I love walking in the front hall and seeing a pile of shoes by the front door.  And I think I will always be sad when those breaks end and I wave good-bye to each child as they head back to their own life.  But hopefully, I've learned to just be present, to enjoy the unique blessings and lessons that each season of life offers.  And to look forward with anticipation and faith to the future.  

The Journey Begins

The journey that I am referring to here is my journey to fitness.  Somehow, one day I woke up and was 52, overweight, and pathetically out of shape.  If I'm going to divulge the negatives, I will allow myself to brag a bit.  I do walk for an hour 5 mornings a week with my husband and our dog.  These are not strolls through the neighborhood:  there is sweat and the heart rate is increased.  I can still pick up the 55 pound bag of dog food from the pallet at Sam's Club, put in the cart and get it into the car by myself.    And I have not, as yet, had to go to any specific plus sized stores or departments.  My blood work has always come back in the good or OK range.  No prescriptions at this time. So for a while, it was easy to pretend I was doing OK.

If you have read this blog over time, you know that I've lost both my parents already.  Each of them had significant health issues.  Some issues just were the "luck of the draw" so to speak, while others were definitely the result of lifestyle decisions and perhaps a bit of denial.  I was blessed to spend a lot of time with my parents as their health declined.  One piece of insight from that time, is that you can only fool yourself and others for only so long about being in shape or being healthy.  At some point, the facade will start crumbling and the only thing left is the truth.

So even while I was happy with the results of the blood work, I knew I couldn't ignore the decrease in my strength and ability to do things I had always done.  I lettered in sports 5 times in high school and three times in college.  I hiked mountains in Europe.  Now it was almost embarrassing to admit that I had been an athlete.  I could not do a real, touch the floor genuflect in church without holding onto a pew, kneeling down and getting up while gardening took a bit too much effort, standing from the middle cushion of a deep couch took too much effort and had to be almost comical to watch while I pretended that I was handling it effortlessly.  And let's not talk about stairs, especially if I was carrying things. I couldn't pretend any longer.  I had to do something.

But what to do?  I knew enough to know that I didn't know enough to do it on my own. I had walked away from my job so there wasn't much (or any) disposable income sitting around for a gym and a good trainer.   That's where I was in my fitness journey one evening when my daughter called for a chat.  She is an athletic trainer and graduate assistant working toward her master's degree in exercise science.  Fortunately for me she is taking exercise prescription this semester and needed a volunteer for  a case study.  This was it!  I was so excited that I would have someone who actually knew what she was doing and could get me back to being able to do everything I wanted to.  I immediately volunteered to be the subject of her case study.

So that was step one.  A journey of a thousand miles, right?  I'm excited to say that we've taken the next couple steps and those posts will be coming in the near future.  Is it easy? NO!! Am I more than a little annoyed with myself for getting this weak and out of shape?  Absolutely!  But you know what?  I am pretty stinking proud of myself for admitting that I needed to make changes and acting on that.  What are you ignoring or pretending doesn't need to change?  Today could be the start of a thousand miles for you.

All Grown Up

As you know I have the privilege of being mom to 3. My baby is 17 and I am refusing to call him a young adult.  This has nothing to do with him or his maturity  (don't ask his siblings to verify that) but it is simply me digging my heels in and holding on to having a child still.  And it's also about me bucking the norms I see at work where too often 17 year old students and their families believe them to be grown and ready to make all their own decisions.  I can assure you that this often does not work out for the best.  So my 17 year old is still my child, my baby.  He has to let me know where he is, what he is doing at any time I ask or whenever the situation changes.  And yes this insistence gets me teased by all three kids. We laugh about it and yet it continues.   I'm Irish and German, if I am anything it is stubborn.

My 19 year old is half way through his first year of college.  He has successfully completed a semester of college classes while living out of state, playing football and working 8 hours a week.  However, I still think of him as my little boy. But we were on campus with him for his football banquet last night and it occurred to me on multiple occasions that he truly had grown up.  He's always been good about holding doors so while I appreciate it, I have come to expect it.    But while surrounded by coaches, teammates, and their families he voluntarily took my purse so I could hand my coat to my husband to take to the coat room.  He didn't even flinch.  At the end of the banquet, he looks at me and tells me that you and Dad have to get on the road before it gets any later.  While walking us to the car, I made a mom comment about something and he said, "I know, I live here."   It was such a strange mixture of a knife stabbing my heart and pride at the young man he's becoming.  When I told him that sounds strange to me, he agreed.  However, there were enough silly comments and laughter among his teammates through the night to remind me that my little boy is still in there and having fun is still a top priority.  

Then there is my daughter.  She is 21 so really there is no getting around whether or not she's an adult.  I spent the year she was 20 adjusting to that fact. Because really once you are past your teens, it's hard even for a mom to insist that you are not a young adult.  At 21 it's impossible.  But being a legal adult and truly being a grown up are two entirely different things.  She is in the process of applying for athletic training internships (say a prayer that she gets the one she just applied for please) and looking at graduate schools.  I am lucky enough to be asked to read essays that she writes for her applications.  I consider it a blessing just to be consulted in these things at this point in her life.  But I am so impressed by what I read.  Her insight and self-knowledge is beyond her years.  I am humbled and grateful when I read paragraphs about her growing up years.  I am amazed by the goals she has and the plans she is making to achieve those goals.   She is on track to make her dreams come true.  She knows what needs to be done, she knows it's up to her to work her tail off, push herself out of her comfort zone, and go after those dreams.   Yes, this one is a grown up, an amazingly beautiful person, and an excellent role model for her brothers. There is no denying that this young woman is a grown up.  I am proud to be her mother and now I am even prouder to call her my friend.  

The transition from 17 to 21 is a difficult one even if it is peaceful and without a lot of confrontation.  It is hard to go from child to adult.  It is hard to go from parenting a child to being a parent to an adult.  It is fun and interesting and always a unique experience.  It's a challenge and a rite of passage for all involved but one that is so worth the journey.

PBJ Again

This past weekend was a three day weekend for me, my husband, and our high school son.  We spent Friday catching up on some things (including this blog).  And I took a couple of hours to go to my dad's apartment and sit and chat.  This does not happen as often as I'd like so I wanted to take advantage of a day off work to spend some much needed time with him and give him his late birthday gift.  And my husband spent a couple hours with his parents as well on Friday.   All three 80-something parents were doing well.

Saturday the high schooler was busy all day with previous commitments.  The daughter was going on a school sponsored bus trip with one of her roommates.  My hubby and I were heading down to West Virginia to see the college football player's game thinking it would be an enjoyable day.  The parents and kids were all good.  The leaves along the way were beautiful.  We were bringing college son home for a couple days for fall break.   Life was good and we were ready to spend a relaxing day together.

And then I got a text.  Apparently a few hours after I left my dad, he started coughing and couldn't stop.  So early Saturday morning, my brother took Dad to the ER.  They were still running tests but the cough had subsided a bit. He seemed to be doing well, he was in the hospital where all his "ologists" are on staff: cardiologist, nephrologist, oncologist, etc.  And not much I could do at that point while I was traveling in the opposite direction.

So on we went, looking forward to a fun afternoon of football.  Then my husband's phone rang.  His sister. This was not going to be good.  His dad had hurt his leg and was in the ER.  They were still running tests to see what was wrong and what the game plan would be.  Again, nothing we could do at that point except tell her to keep in touch.

On we went, wanting updates but not really wanting to hear from any other relatives.  At this point I was beginning to worry about things happening in threes.

Really the rest of the day was blissfully uneventful and not much to write about.  EXCEPT our freshman son got in for two series and his team won!  He has worked really hard and loves football.  Seeing him so happy and doing what he loves makes us happy.    

Several days later  the college son is back to school after break and both dads are out of the hospital.  My dad is back at his apartment.  My father in law is in rehab getting physical therapy for his leg.  And once again life in the sandwich  is good, sometimes a bit too interesting but always good.

Move In Weekend Part II

Wow.  That was a much longer break than I anticipated.  There were a couple of reasons for it.  One was technical but the other was just because it has been much tougher than I thought it would be.

When any child goes off to live away from you, it is just so difficult.  As a mom, I knew there were so many things I should have and wanted to teach him and with life going so stinking fast, I just never got to them all.  I know he knows right from wrong. He's a hard worker. He's a good person. He knows how to take responsibility. He is smart and can figure out a new washing machine.  Thanks to his high school and grade school teachers, he knows how to write a paper for college and  how to study.  And the college will clean the bathroom and cook for him.  So really, he will be fine and my mind knows this.

But then there is the fact that he doesn't like change a whole lot.  And new situations are stressful for him so I knew that actually making this move was going to be the most difficult thing he has ever done.  And it should be the most difficult and stressful thing he has ever done.  He's had stability and support.  So moving from that should be hard and yet it should be done.  That saying that you are only as happy as your most unhappy child is so true.  Child happy = mom happy.  Child stressed = mom stressed.

As a mom, a child leaving changes your role so very much.  I'm not going to be there to see his face and know he's OK.  I'm not going to be the one that he tells when football goes well or he has a big test or that he had the best sub or burrito for lunch.  Our relationship changes and grows into a very different relationship.  And that is a huge transition for someone whose everyday life remains the same except for yet another missing piece.  

This particular transition would be difficult because life has not always been easy for this boy of mine.  He has faced challenges and with each of those challenges, I have been at his side.  When he was a baby, his asthma was so bad that I would get him from a nap and his hands and feet would be blue.  We had to give him breathing treatments for over a year.  My husband and I shared the job but I was the stay at home mom so I had all the daytime treatments and all the nighttime ones.  When you schedule your life around holding your baby and making sure he can breathe, you bond in a different way.  Then there was watching him being wheeled into an operating room two different times.  This is the child that missed  nearly entire year of school because he was horrifically sick.  The testing for brain tumors and myriad of other diseases and conditions was awful.  And since the company I was working for at the time (along with much of the country) went into a financial crisis, I was once again a stay at home mom that year so I was with him for each and every test and treatment each time not knowing if our life was going to be forever altered.  Thankfully, God saw him through that year and for the most part he is past it.  Just like his asthma, he has learned to manage and live with his symptoms although I know that there are some issues that could flare up at anytime, he is going to live the life he that he was meant to live.  Through his sports injuries and minor flare ups of his health issues, I have been there.   I have tried to make sure he recognizes symptoms and pays attention to them but he is an 18 year old boy, it makes me nervous to send him away and know the he is on his own.  He's been through so much and it's a lot to manage.  More than an 18 year old should have to think about while studying and playing football and just doing regular college things and that worries me.

And so it was hard to think about this and write about it.  However, it's two months later, I have seen him several times and been able to look into his eyes and he is OK.  He is happy and doing well.  He is making friends, doing well in school and football.  Life is good and I'm so thankful that both my college kids are doing great.  Life is different but I'm adjusting to that and will write more on that next time.