This morning when I opened Facebook the first thing that popped up was a memory from 4 years ago. It was a picture of my middle child, oldest son, the summer after high school graduation. I smiled as I looked at that sweet, happy 18 year old and thought about the journey our family has traveled since that picture was taken.
That day he had 3 living grandparents. They were all living independently, driving, involved in various volunteer projects, going to church, meeting friends for lunch or dinner, going to plays. We would need to call and be sure that they were going to be home if we wanted to come by to visit and if we invited them over, it was possible that they couldn't come because they already had plans.
As I write this post, only one grandparent is still here with us. We never have to call to see if he's available because he lives in a memory care unit now. He still has a smile that lights up his face when the kids come to visit but he needs to be awake and calm for us to see that. It's a tough road to travel with a loved one and sadly, there are many families on similar roads.
But there are those who think that people shouldn't have to travel these types of journeys. That there is no dignity in living like this. From my perspective, I couldn't disagree more. It's through times of challenge that we grow and become better.
A pianist doesn't improve by playing the same exact song, notes or chords. The improvement comes through continually attempting more difficult pieces. A pole vaulter doesn't reach new heights by staying with the same pole, exact same form or technique.
Isn't building character and ability the reason that we sign our kids up for piano, dance, swimming, karate? Kids that participate in almost anything learn that just because you fail in the beginning, doesn't mean you will always fail. Sometimes it all comes together and you get it. But sometimes it never does all come together and you learn that isn't your activity. And sometimes that hurts and that stinks but it's all part of life. When we try and fail we learn and grow. And when we have the opportunity to grow beyond our frustrations and failures, then we develop resilience. And when we are resilient, we are stronger and better prepared for life.
The same is true when we are presented the opportunity to journey with a friend or family member who is suffering. It's not pretty. It can be sad or frustrating or scary. It could be a time of anger or frustration with God. Or it can be a time of growing closer to God and your loved one. Our responses to the situation will be as numerous as the people in those situations. And really way beyond that number because from day to day our individual responses can change. And that's all OK because it's an exhausting, humbling, sometimes frightening journey. Just like every other area of our lives, when we meet these challenges head on, we see growth. A religious or spiritual person will likely find growth in the spiritual life when presented with the opportunity to accompany someone on this journey. But I think anyone will find an increase in empathy and compassion. These experiences can make you realize that being kind is a better option because you just never really know what someone else is going through.
Showing posts with label suffering. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suffering. Show all posts
Friday, July 6, 2018
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Gifts From My Mom's Suffering
There's been a lot in the news the past couple of months about physical suffering and its effect on the patient and the patients' friends and families. I'm not judging anyone, no one knows what anyone else is going through, but I am going to point out the gifts that my mother gave me through her suffering.
My mother suffered many physical ailments throughout her life. The last 25 years of her life were especially frustrating and painful with osteoporosis, arthritis, gastrointestinal and neurological issues. Some days were good, some not so good, and some down right awful.
The Thanksgiving that she was in the hospital, I learned that my twin sister & I could make a real Thanksgiving dinner complete with our Grandma's stuffing. And (because hospitals were way stricter then) I learned how to sneak things into hospitals.
The Christmas that she was in the hospital, I learned that I was strong enough to be her rock. I had faith enough for both of us when she was so angry and frustrated that she just couldn't find hers. And since she was the most faith-filled person I knew, I also learned that we all struggle and lose sight of the fact that God is always working for our good. And later I learned that following these struggles, we can come back to our faith stronger and surer than ever before.
During trails and tribulations, I learned it's OK to depend on people that you aren't used to depending on. And sometimes people will let you down but other times people will come through in ways you never dreamed possible.
I learned that even when so very many things just would not be found in her memory regardless of how hard she searched, the words to her beloved hymns were there and when the music started playing the words came out as strong and beautiful as ever.
I learned that being asked to help with standing then showers then dressing then eating is uncomfortable but for the person who has to ask, it's humiliating. But through that I learned compassion in a way that I never could have. I thought I was helping her but she was helping me become a gentler, more patient, more compassionate person. And I relearned that making the best of a situation can create laughter.
And I learned that difficult conversations are horrible to have but once you get past being uncomfortable, you have an experience and a connection that is better than ever. And I learned for both of us to have those wonderful moments, it takes a lot. And it's exhausting but it is so beyond worth it.
But mostly I learned that my mom was an incredibly strong woman and even though her suffering took all things earthly from her, she gained a peace that wasn't about this world. And through that suffering she gave me the gifts of greater patience, compassion, humility, faith and love. And for that I am grateful.
My mother suffered many physical ailments throughout her life. The last 25 years of her life were especially frustrating and painful with osteoporosis, arthritis, gastrointestinal and neurological issues. Some days were good, some not so good, and some down right awful.
The Thanksgiving that she was in the hospital, I learned that my twin sister & I could make a real Thanksgiving dinner complete with our Grandma's stuffing. And (because hospitals were way stricter then) I learned how to sneak things into hospitals.
The Christmas that she was in the hospital, I learned that I was strong enough to be her rock. I had faith enough for both of us when she was so angry and frustrated that she just couldn't find hers. And since she was the most faith-filled person I knew, I also learned that we all struggle and lose sight of the fact that God is always working for our good. And later I learned that following these struggles, we can come back to our faith stronger and surer than ever before.
During trails and tribulations, I learned it's OK to depend on people that you aren't used to depending on. And sometimes people will let you down but other times people will come through in ways you never dreamed possible.
I learned that even when so very many things just would not be found in her memory regardless of how hard she searched, the words to her beloved hymns were there and when the music started playing the words came out as strong and beautiful as ever.
I learned that being asked to help with standing then showers then dressing then eating is uncomfortable but for the person who has to ask, it's humiliating. But through that I learned compassion in a way that I never could have. I thought I was helping her but she was helping me become a gentler, more patient, more compassionate person. And I relearned that making the best of a situation can create laughter.
And I learned that difficult conversations are horrible to have but once you get past being uncomfortable, you have an experience and a connection that is better than ever. And I learned for both of us to have those wonderful moments, it takes a lot. And it's exhausting but it is so beyond worth it.
But mostly I learned that my mom was an incredibly strong woman and even though her suffering took all things earthly from her, she gained a peace that wasn't about this world. And through that suffering she gave me the gifts of greater patience, compassion, humility, faith and love. And for that I am grateful.
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